[ar:Austin Powers] [ti:Dr Evil in Therapy] [la:uk] [by:Lexington] THERAPIST OK, group, we have two new members. Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr....Ehville? DR. EVIL Evil, actually, Doctor Evil. GROUP Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott. SCOTT EVIL (into it) Hello, everybody. THERAPIST So, Scott, why don't we start with you. Why are you here? SCOTT EVIL Well, it's kind of weird. THERAPIST We don't judge here. SCOTT EVIL OK. Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time three days ago. He was partially frozen for thirty years. I never knew him growing up. He comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business. THERAPIST And how do you feel about that? SCOTT EVIL I don't wanna take over the family business. DR. EVIL But Scott, who's going to take over the world when I die? SCOTT EVIL Not me. THERAPIST What do you want to do, Scott? SCOTT EVIL I don't know. I was thinking, maybe I'd be a vet or something, cause I like animals and stuff. DR. EVIL An evil vet? SCOTT EVIL No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo or something. DR. EVIL An evil petting zoo? SCOTT EVIL (shouting) You always do that! (calm) Anyways, this is really hard, because, you know, my Dad is really evil. THERAPIST We don't label people here, Scott. SCOTT EVIL No, he's really evil. THERAPIST Scott. DR. EVIL No, the boy's right. I really am evil. THERAPIST Don't be so hard on yourself. You're here, that's what's important. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. SCOTT EVIL I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. THERAPIST OK, Scott, no one really wants to "kill" anyone here. They say it, but they don't mean it. The group LAUGHS. DR. EVIL Actually, the boy's quite astute. I am trying to kill him. My Evil Associates have cautioned against it, so here he is, unfortunately, alive. THERAPIST [00:01]OK, well, we've heard from you, Scott, now uh, [00:04]you, tell us a little about yourself. DR. EVIL [00:07]The details of my life are quite inconsequential. THERAPIST [00:10]Oh, no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood. GROUP [00:13]Yeah, c'mon c'mon DR. EVIL [00:17]Very well, where do I begin? [00:20]My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium [00:24]with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. [00:28]My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. [00:33]My father would womanize, he would drink, [00:36]he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. [00:40]Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. [00:44]The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. [00:51]My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. [00:57]In the spring we'd make meat helmets. [01:00]When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag [01:04]and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. [01:08]At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. [01:10]At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. [01:17]There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking; I suggest you try it.